I always wanted to sugar coat it. Instead of saying I was molested at 7 and raped at 17, I would say I was touched when I was 7 and taken advantage of when I was 17. Having that realization was very hard and kind-of made the whole experience that much more real. For the longest time I blamed myself for putting myself in a bad position and being so naïve. I blamed myself for staying in an awful relationship full of manipulation and loneliness. I blamed myself for becoming used solely for sex by my then-boyfriend. I dated him because I so firmly believed it was my fault and sought to justify it and to make what happened seem more legitimate. I never told my friends that I didn’t actually want to do it.
However, it took 3 years to acknowledge that it was a huge thing that happened and that it wasn’t my fault. I had been pushing away everyone around me and most of all, Jesus. Please don’t stop reading just because I mentioned Jesus. From the bottom of my heart, I don’t know how I could’ve gotten through without Him and I have a peace about it that I never thought was possible. I have let go of the feelings of anger, guilt and shame and you know what, I really just had to forgive myself and let go of these feelings of self-guilt.
I’m not gonna say it has been a cake walk. Just because I believe in Him and that I believe He rescued me from death it is still a struggle everyday to release the pain and I have to continually forgive myself and the people who’ve wronged me. I have still cried myself to sleep because a guy made me feel uncomfortable for no apparent reason. But I have this hope that I cannot begin to explain. Even through all the heartache and pain I’ve experienced I still am thankful for everything in my life, including this. It has become a part of me and I’ve gotten healing by spreading my story and realizing how many other women have been affected by something like this. There is hope for attaining healing. Please, don't forget that.